Well, I'm just having one of those really insane days where your feelings are just all over the place and you have no idea what to do with yourself. *sighs*
I have such a huge range of emotions just flying though that at one part of the day I'm slumped and tired, while another I'm just jumping into my car and driving around like a mad woman.
Have you ever been to that place where you feel like you're the most horrible person on the planet. Where you feel as if you've not ever truly been a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, a good anything. I think I'm there right now. I love my friends (friends are the family you choose) and I know they love me, and I want to be there with them and for them every step of the way, but it just feels as if I can't. Why? I just don't know. Then there's my family trying to make me move back home. As if my life isn't pathetically boring enough, let's move back to the one horsed town you tried to escape from. And at work, I feel like a big loser. Every one there has a degree in ITS or close to one. Every thing, half the time, is over my head. I just don't feel very secure in my job yet. Some days are worse than others, but no matter how much I beg for them to show me something new or teach me something new, it just seems that they have no time or want.
Maybe I'm just into that winter pity zone right now. I just feel horrible. It's like I can't stay well with my sinuses constantly on a rampage, my best friend came down for the weekend and yet I feel as if I let her down in some way as I did my friend last night when I went sleep over. It's just like I can't get myself out of this pathetic, boring slump I'm in! Yesh! And it's driving me bonkers. >_<
I literally go from one high to the next. I drive around so much now that I'm filling up my car almost every two to three days. I've been working on my diet as well, but I don't have the self-control needed for it. Since January started, I've done nothing but pig out. That's not good at all.
*sigh* And above all, as crappy as this will sound, I miss my internet. I tried staying up beat about it, but I can't. Sometimes, I just want to bash my head against the wall. I'm hoping to be able to get it back in a few months, but I don't know if I will be able too. It all depends on my income tax check and if Obama will give out a stimulus check.
I hate to be so depressing like this, but sometimes it can't be helped. I don't even get on the e-net at work anymore because my supervisor mentioned something about it. So, most of the time, I have to convince myself to get to the library and see what's going on.
Okay, I'm going to go back to doing something. This post is just really upsetting me. Yikes Jamie! What the hell? *sigh* Please hurry and come summer. I need more sun than this. -__-
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My mom is a firm believer that winter affects our emotions. She keeps insisting that I need to "get more sun," though it's literally 0 degrees outside here...I can't very well lay outside. LOL!
I feel sometimes that I'm not a good person. I am very impatient, and I don't think I express to people how much I appreciate them as much as I should. I'm not very demonstrative. Sometimes I feel like I can't open up, because no one will understand. And sometimes they don't. But many times, they do. Or they at least listen. Most of the time I realize I'm no worse or better than anyone else. I think you're a good person. You sound nice and thoughtful.
Don't worry too much about work. It takes a while to get settled in and comfortable at a new job. They hired you because they felt you could do good. As long as you do your job well, ask questions when you need to, and treat everyone in a friendly and respectful manner, you will be fine.
I don't know what it is about society, but it annoys me that we're expected to be "on" all the time. Everyone has days when they're just not Mr./Ms. Brightside, and as far as I'm concerned, that's just fine. It's like, on days that I'm just quiet and don't feel like talking, people will ask me if I'm mad at them. I have to fight not to say, "You know, not everything is about you."
As far as I'm concerned, it's a little arrogant to assume that the reason someone isn't talking or is talking or does something or doesn't do something is because of something I did. If someone's quiet around me, and I haven't done anything to them to piss them off, then 9 times out of 10, it's not me. They'll tell me what it really is if they want to. Hopefully, your friends have figured this out, and they'll understand that you're just not in a sunshiny mood right now. There's nothing shameful in that.
We're here for you! You'll be fine. ♥
Edited at 2009-01-26 12:07 am (UTC)
As far as I'm concerned, it's a little arrogant to assume that the reason someone isn't talking or is talking or does something or doesn't do something is because of something I did. <--- I'm the same way. I don't smile much, in fact, I've got Ichigo-itis where I frown a lot and look a bit mean, so people tend to stay away unless they know me well. But I hate it when they come and ask...are you mad? Did I do something wrong? And I'm sitting there deep in thought and suddenly like...Huh?
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. :o) It's something to help me through the dark winter. *hugs*
About feeling like a worm, I totally know about that. I used to fill pages and pages of my journals -- written longhand! -- full of lamentations. I still whine a lot, too. I'm not going to tell you that everything's going to be be better once you shake it off -- because I used to hate hearing that sort of advice.
Here's a tip I learned from a self-help book. When you wake up and you just KNOW it's going to be a bad day, make a list of all the things you need to do and rate how much pleasure you expect to get from it. For example:
-return books to the library
-eat lunch
-walk the dog
Most clinically depressed people will initially rate these activities 1 to 0 on the "expectation of enjoyment" scale. But once you actually do them, and then go back to your list at the end of the day... you may find that you rate your enjoyment of these activities much higher. That's the only time some people feel that hey, my bad day wasn't too bad after all.
And yeah, now I feel bad, because I know I owe you an email. *hugs* Sorry to keep you waiting. Then again I owe Kaya and Adam some emails, too...
Anyway I hope the little tip helps in the future. Take care, okay?
I like your tips though. I think I'm going to try them out. It looks fun. :o) *hugs* thank you!
Ah, I know, I'm feeling that way too. I hate to admit it, but I'm feeling a lot of blues lately. As the others have mentioned, it IS the winter that makes you feel this way. AND PMS does that to you too *firm nod*
I don't know what your talking about, but I had a BLAST those days. I enjoyed being over there. I loved it immensely. Away from my family, seeing you. I KNEW you were sick, that's why I didn't push anything. I didn't want to leave that sunday, I really didn't want to go back. I was having way too much fun reading manga in your living room, and just hanging out. That beats clubbing any day. Hell, just being with my best friend that completely understands me is a hell of a lot better than doing things crazily. :) We're two peas in a pod with the staying at home and reading a book. *hugs tightly*
I know what you mean. If I would be without my internet, I'd crumble in tears. I know I wouldn't DIE, perse.
I did have to get rid of my websites though because of rising costs, and plus I had to cancel netflix membership until further notice. :( Boohoo. OH well, it's for the better. I barely write right now, which is really setting me off balance. OH well. Stupid blues of Winter. OH yeah. XD This Sunday I may go meet you for a fun day. Plus to buy me the next installment of Hana Kimi. XD I will bring all the manga to you for you to read all of it again. I LOVE that manga. It's SOO awesome!!
So anyway, Just to let you know, I LOVE you girl, and I had A BLAST that weekend. Don't knock yourself down. You think too deeply about everything. :) And DON'T move back to that stuffy little bastard of a town! Keep on swimming! XD
your fighting partner in crime!
Siffly